If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
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If only
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]