Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
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Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
“Sheer Arrogance”
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.