Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
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“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.