HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
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[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Namaste
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.