me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
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When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Accurate
Support your local cemetery
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant