*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
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Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.