LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
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I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”