DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
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As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
I am never leaving this website
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Always…
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
All food is good if you spell it wrong