My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
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Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots