I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
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Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.