Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
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Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)