[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
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I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Schrödinger’s cookie
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
*watches the world burn*
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.