Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
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Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.