Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
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As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
I’d use my best pan on you.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.