Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
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My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Cinematography is my passion
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair