I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
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I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year