[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
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hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Just had my nails done!
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*