My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
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Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*