Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
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Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??