Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
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I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?