If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
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HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Rt to bother an English speaker
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…