Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
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A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
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ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
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Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?