I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
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Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
So true for me