CUTE CAT‼︎
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When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR