i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
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morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Breaking news:
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.