Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
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Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese