“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
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My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Can’t. About to go please some beans
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot