date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
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I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips