ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
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[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Huge, if true.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.