*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
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[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
When you “pspspsp” too hard
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.