Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
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4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Me buying fruit and veg
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name