The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
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this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Me too
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.