Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
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Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Every work call, he judges.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…