5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
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My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
some Old Testament wisdom
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.