Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
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Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.