Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
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When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly