[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
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“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.