I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
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Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
#math
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
What number SPF blocks people?
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me