Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
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“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY