When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
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Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
peak technology
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.