If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
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him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Chicago sounds lovely.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.