Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
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Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.