You Might Also Like
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those