I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
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Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”