3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
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Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Zack Greinke stories are the best
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis