Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
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I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day