I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
You Might Also Like
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*