I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
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Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned