People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
You Might Also Like
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense