I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
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Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
This is amazing.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.